Build Your Own Boys Club.
How to make yourself an authentic male and find your purpose/mission in life.
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ASSEMBLY STEPS
WELCOME TO YOUR BOYS CLUB
1. FIND BOYS
A boys club can consist of two or ten people. You can do this course with just you and your best mate, or even your dad, or even a bunch of strangers you’ve found online. It really doesn’t matter. An upper limit of about ten people is advised, because otherwise not everyone gets a chance to speak so much, but if you want to run a boys club with 20 or even 30 people, be our guest. The only rule is they’ve got to be boys.
2. FIND A LOCATION
You can run a boys club anywhere, but a quiet place is best. Talking in a public place is intimidating. Kitchens are good, community centres too, a shed if you’ve got one, an office after work, a living room, even the back room in a closed bar, but just remember boys clubs are alcohol-free zones (if we’re gonna learn how to communicate the courage has to be our own, not Dutch).
3. SET A TIME
Weeknights after work seem to work best for people, but you can decide on that. The trick is to make it convenient so as many people can show up. An average club lasts anything from 45 minutes to two hours. If the water flows, then we let it flow fellas.
PROTOCOL
Structure and Flow
If you’re reading this document, it means you’re “It” for tonight. The Boys Club has no leader but each night it has a different facilitator. At the end of each club, the next facilitator is selected. The facilitator’s job is to read out and follow the protocol, and in general to care for the other boys in the room.
1. Each Boys Club begins with a three minute silent meditation.
Set a timer for three minutes.
Sit anyway you want.
Close your eyes.
Take three deep breaths through your nose, and then just focus all your attention on the natural breath passing through your nose, or your chest or your belly.
Almost immediately you’ll discover that it’s hard to do. That your mind is constantly flooded with thoughts. Each time you notice you’re lost in thought, just come back to focusing on the breath.
That’s it.
2. Going over the rules
no booze
no interrupting
no banter, this isn’t the place to talk about football
when you speak make it personal. This is no place for “My friend Johnny” stories, we want to know about YOU.
you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to
be kind, if you come to a boys club it’s because you want to support and be supported.
3. INTRODUCTION
Starting from the person on the left of the facilitator, everyone introduces themselves and says why they’re there this evening.
4. Introduce the topic and begin with the first question
As questions are answered and discussed, you move on. If one question warrants a lot of discussion, you stay with it. If one question doesn’t work in the group, you move on. It’s your boys club, you decide.
5. Final round up
Everyone says how they’re feeling after the meeting and has one final opportunity to talk about any personal problems they’re having, and would like the group’s advice on.
6. Read out the homework
7. Select next club’s facilitator.
8. Each Boys Club ends with a three minute silent meditation.
Set a timer for three minutes.
Sit anyway you want.
Close your eyes.
Take three deep breaths through your nose, and then just focus all your attention on the natural breath passing through your nose, or your chest or your belly.
Almost immediately you’ll discover that it’s hard to do. That your mind is constantly flooded with thoughts. Each time you notice you’re lost in thought, just come back to focusing on the breath.
That’s it.
Foundations of boys club
Checklist / Questionnaire to begin
Keep it light / humorous
An hour per session.
Questionnaire: more of a round table than filling out forms.
Structure and Flow
3 min meditation
Intro to Rules
Three line introduction for each topic
(For 2 🡪 6, discuss homework from previous week)
Questionnaire
Sharing of answers
Discussion / Reflection
Homework assignment – action
Theme Ideas
Theme: The Man Box
Identifying your own man box
What are people wearing / style, etc.
Expectations / the man script – masculinity
What things / steps might get you. Imagining new possibilities without the box.
Questions
(In a circle, go through the questions and everyone answers in turn)
How does your appearance say that you are a man?
What fashion can men not do / what is not considered manly?
What are thing that men can and can’t talk about?
What do you think people expect of you as a man? (Partner/Family/the world)
What are the ‘rules’ of the man box?
Who taught you how to be a man?
Does the man box has a use? Does it serve any purpose?
Actions
HW: Do something that you would previously have thought to be ‘unmanly’
Theme: Making Friends
Making friends with other men
Questions
How did you used to make friends with other boys when you were a kid
How do you make friends now?
How close can you get with your best pals? What can’t you talk about / what is off limits / uncomfortable?
What’s the difference between male friendships and female friendships?
Actions
HW: Employ the tools discussed to ask a new friend out.
Theme: Dad Stuff
The way the old man influenced / conditioned our behaviours and emotional worlds
What the old man’s ride was (with his Dad / Granddad, etc)
How to discern between his and yours
Questions
What do you know about your Dad? What was his childhood like?
What was your childhood like? What was your early relationship like with your Dad?
If you had / have kids, how would you like to be with your kids / how are you with your kids?
What’s your relationship like with your Dad these days?
How has your relationship with your Dad affected other relationships in your life? (Love / work / friendships / etc.).
How did your Dad tackle some of his own conditioning / circumstances around his old man (mudslide / stopping the buck).
Actions
HW: Talk to your Dad (if you can). Ask about his early life. (If you can’t, write a letter to him).
Think of some ways to stop the buck in your life / generation.
Theme: Mental Health / Emotional Intelligence
Questions:
When was the last time you felt sad?
What do you do when you get sad? Do you talk to anyone about it? If so who? Do you go it alone?
When was the last time you felt anxious? Do you talk to people about it? How do you work around it?
Theme: Mission and Purpose
How masculinity determines our purpose and how we feel about ourselves
Passion?
Questions
Do you think it’s especially important for a man to have a purpose / mission in life?
Who are some of your male role models – what is their mission?
How much does what you do with your day determine how you feel about yourself?
Are you living your best life? If not, how close are you to living your best life?
Actions
HW: What steps would you take to start actioning your life?
Theme: Mission and Purpose
How masculinity determines our purpose and how we feel about ourselves
Passion?
Questions
Do you think it’s especially important for a man to have a purpose / mission in life?
Who are some of your male role models – what is their mission?
How much does what you do with your day determine how you feel about yourself?
Are you living your best life? If not, how close are you to living your best life?
Actions
HW: What steps would you take to start actioning your life?
Theme: Sex and Relationships
Questions
What are the signs of a good relationship? / What is the best relationship you’ve had? Why was it so good?
How important is a significant intimate relationships to you?
How important is a sexual relationship to you?
Where do you learn about sex?
How do you communicate about sex with your partners? (consent, etc.)
How does pornography affect your sex life?
Actions
HW: Take the 30 day no-pornography challenge. 30 days without using any porn. The other boys can be your accountability partners.
If you’re in a relationship, set aside a time to talk to your partner about your sex life in an honest and caring way.